The Emotional Wreak

Cool Mama is blogging from Macdonalds this morning! =D

Before I go on to what I really want to say, I wanna first say that I am so inspired by Pst Tan's 2-part messages the last 2 weekends that I am determined to do some uncluttering of my desk and clear out all those unwanted papers, file the wanted ones, and make sure the actions to be done are done quickly within 48 hours.

And the 'start-work early' suggestion is just fantastic, so I left house at 730am this morning hoping to hit the office by 8.30am. Ok ok, I know this is not exactly early to most of you, but my office opens at 10am, ok?! 8.30am IS early for us already.. =P Don't stone the church staff though.. we work till 1am on some nights, so i guess that explains it all. Heee..

Anyway, I am at Macdonalds now because office doesn't open till 10am. Still, I managed to clear and reply some emails this morning while having breakfast here, so I guess I've done some work. Wooo!

Back to what I wanna say.. which is quite the opposite from the chirpy tone I have in whatever I've written so far.

And yeh, I went through an emotion rut the last weekend. You know, it's those kinds you feel like crying all the time and at every tiniest thing possible. And you just feel that nobody loves you and everyone thinks you are lousy.

The irony of it all was that the weekend had been a very celebrative one. Celebrated Joey's birthday, spent time with her and created an opportunity for her to have fun etc etc. But I had been feeling rather low emotionally. And this low came because of this insecurity that my daughter doesn't love me. Ironic, I know. Haha..

Sometimes mothers go through such things. Or maybe I am just over-generalising. Maybe it's just me who goes through such things. But I do have periods where I feel unappreciated by my daughter (but of course she's too young to know how to appreciate much anyway), and I feel that I am such a bad mother. Guilt creeps in and I feel accusations hurled at me from all directions. Most of the time, it's not exactly real. The accusations, I mean. They don't come from anyone, but from my mind. In my mind, I would wonder if I've done the right thing when I scolded her, or if I've been too harsh on her, or if I should have done something but I didn't. During those times of self-questioning, I keep blaming myself for not having enough patience and love for this lovely baby of mine.

And so, I've been an emotional wreck all weekend.

Being a mother is not easy really. The burden of taking care of the kids fall on the shoulders of the mum naturally and being a mother means you must know everything and must be able to do everything. Perhaps I belong to the generation where people cannot take hardships as much now, cos don't all mothers in the many many generations before us managed fine? They didn't even complain a word. And I look at myself, and mutter, 'Ah.. weakling..' Hahaha.. you know what I mean..

But anyway, I am feeling fine this morning already. Whatever does not break us make us stronger, isn't it? This is gonna be a great great week!

Lastly,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY DARLING BABY JOEY!

PAPA & MAMA LOVES YOU!