She’s Growing Up

Warning: This is an emo entry.

Babies grow up so fast, it's scary.

Especially in the last couple of months, everytime I look at Joey, I keep feeling that she is more like a mini adult than a baby now. She is displaying alot more emotions and mood swings than before, and there were many instances where I could understand what she was trying to convey to me, especially her frustrations or joy. It makes me realise that she is already at the stage where she would feel neglected, lonely or unloved. If I am not careful, and slack in showering her with lots of attention, love and appreciation, she would feel lousy about herself. Isn't this scary? She may not understand alot of things now, but she can certainly feel it if her family doesn't shower her with all the attention in the world. She would feel insecure and she would crave for love and care.

And that makes me get into guilt trips recently. I keep feeling guilty that I am not spending enough time with her. And when I do spend time with her, I feel guilty for getting frustrated with her easily when she screams and insists on her way. I always ask myself whether I should have quitted my job and stayed at home with her as a full time mum? But when I thought of that, I wondered whether I would spend all my time scolding her & reprimanding her for being so mischievous if I do spend all my waking moments with her everyday.

Putting Joey in a nursery has its many problems. Like all kids who go to nurseries, Joey falls sick easier compared to kids who stay at home most of the time. That's because she comes into contact with lots of kids everyday, and they pass their viruses to each other so easily. Especially in an aircon environment, they fall sick almost every other week.

Then there's also the problem with discipline. Because the kids spend so much time with each other, and being at the stage where they are struggling with individuality & learning to share their food & toys with other kids, they learn to fight their way through. Because of that, Joey can be a very violent kid, and she fights 'mercilessly' just to get her way. She would snatch toys, and not hesitate to fight and push when necessary. Frankly, at first, I got very frustrated and kept reprimanding her for being so 'D'. Then, I realised that she was just imitating the other kids in the nursery. They all had mastered the art of defending themselves and they were sort of 'forced' to become like that for self-protection sake.

Just a couple of weeks back, I went into nursery to check on Joey, and I found that she was playing all by herself in the common hall area with the 2 aunties, while the rest of the kids were playing in the room with the door closed. I could hear the kids running around, shouting & laughing inside the room, and Joey was trying ways and means to want to get into the room as well. I know she wants to join in the fun badly. But the aunties told me because she has been beating some of the kids and fighting with them that they decided not to let her go into the room. I could understand it, cos the aunties couldn't manage when they start fighting, but I also felt that my Joey was such a poor thing. I felt like crying there & there, no joke. It was a terrible feeling. Like my Joey had been ostracized.

And since she is one of the few kids without a personal maid in the nursery, she is very insecure at times. Unlike the rest of the kids who have their personal maids following them everywhere they go, Joey can only stick to one of the nursery aunties who also have to take care of the other kids without maids. Her attention is shared and alot of times, Joey got to play by herself. When I think of that, I really feel so sorry for my poor Joey. Guilt trip yet again.

In the past few weeks, the same few thoughts kept coming back to me - "Will auntie remember to change her diapers?", "Will auntie remember to feed her milk every 2 hours?" It's not that I am doubting auntie, and I do know she tries her very best, but with so many young kids to take care of, it gets really tough at times. There were many times I went into nursery & found that her diapers were super wet and she had only had 1 bottle of milk since 3 or 4 hours ago. Sigh, you know how horrible that feeling is? I felt like slapping myself for not being able to take care of her personally.

It's tough.

I don't feel that I am a bad mummy, because I am really trying my best and giving her the best that I can possibly manage. But like every mummy, I hope I can give her so much more. I hope she can be a happy kid. I hope that she can live a life feeling secure and safe. I hope she can be healthy & growing well. These are just some of the many hopes I have for her. And I will keep working at it. Keep going. =)