Last week, something happened to Joey at school that could well be her first major saga in Primary School life.
I got a text message from her Form Teacher in the afternoon, informing me that Joey had caused hurt to a boy from the next class by refusing to let go of his wrist. His wrist got bruised, and both classes’ Teachers gave Joey a stern warning. I thanked the teacher for letting me know and that I would have a good talk with my daughter. Deep in my heart, I know that Joey would never purposely cause hurt to anybody. Yes, she can be a little too rough at times and while playing, she might have exerted too much force. Nevertheless, I didn’t think too much of it – I would find out the whole story from her that night.
After I picked Joey up from the school bus, I asked my usual question everyday, “How was school today?” to which she gave her standard answer like always, “Good.”
“Anything you would like to tell me?”
Nothing.
”Are you sure? I’m sure you know I know about it, right?”
Hmmmm…
”Your teacher texted me, babe. I know what happened, but I want to hear from you.”
She kept silent. But I know she must be struggling with finding the right words to say. I imagine when I was a Primary Two kid, I was so scared of my teachers and if they chided me, even gently, I would go home and bawl my eyes out. She must have been scared stiff when she got scolded by not one, but two teachers!
When we got home, I sat her down at the sofa and coaxed her to tell me what happened.
“I know you must be really scared, babe. Tell Mummy what happened.”
And then she started sobbing. And it became a huge ball of emotions with large tears, mucus and cries. In between her sobs, she told me what happened. And my heart ached. It really did.
She has a friend in school whom she often hangs around with. Apparently, this girl likes a guy from the next class and has been sending Joey on several errands to bring him love letters etc. Scary, I know. These are merely Primary Two kids. The boy is scared of Joey’s friend and has been trying to avoid her. During recess that fateful day, Joey’s friend sent Joey to ‘ambush’ him outside the boy’s toilet and grab his hand and not let him leave until she arrives. Joey obeyed everything her friend said and held on to the boy’s hand as hard as she could. That of course bruised his hand and he complained to the teacher and so both Joey and her friend got a big scolding.
I was bewildered. If you know my kids personally, you know that Joey’s personality is very strong – she likes to be the leader and would definitely prefer to lead than to follow. But there she was, following every instruction her friend gave her, even ‘stupid’ ones that could land her in trouble. I asked her why she was so silly to do everything her friend told her to, and she could only manage a feeble, “Because she is my only friend.”
It totally broke my heart. I was so sad to hear that.
Perhaps because of her strong personality, it seems that Joey doesn’t really have friends whom she hangs out with except for this particular friend. She listens to this friend because she doesn’t want to lose her as a friend. And I questioned myself then if I was the one who caused her to be like that. I tell her frequently that she has to cut down on her bossy-ness if she wants to have any friends. I told her that instead of always telling people what to do, she should listen to her friends and do what they want to do as well. Perhaps she took that well-meaning advice to the extreme.
That evening, I explained to her that a true and real friend would never do anything to hurt us. By asking her to stalk the boy and hold him without letting him go, her friend was telling her to do something that would land her in trouble. If she was a true friend, she wouldn’t do that to her. I also told her that she needs to learn how to differentiate what are the things we can or cannot do. Even if our best friend asks her to do something but it causes hurt to herself or other people, she should never agree to do. Following and obeying blindly is foolishness. Joey understood what I was telling her and told me that she would never purposely cause hurt to anybody. I felt like I was teaching her about Life 101.
In my heart, I felt a lot of sadness. I wish I can help her win more friends, but I know that is one thing in life she would have to learn and grow on her own. Disappointments and loneliness are scary things, but she would be able to battle those things and hopefully, learn to overcome them on her own.
Mummy’s rooting for you, Joey!
