Seriously, I started writing this blog entry with no idea what to write at all. Cos I obviously have not found the Higher way. Ever since the two babies in my house have decided to combine powers, I have not been able to find much inner peace (and outer too, for that matter) in me. Most of the time, I function at the level of a hysterical woman, complete with messy hair and smudged make-up. My kids probably wonders why Mummy talks at such high pitches all the time. I personally suspect it’s got to do with my blood pressure.
If you’re a hysterical mother looking for some help in this place, I have to say sorry. Because I have none to offer. In fact, the very reason why I’m writing this entry is in some desperate hope that I can find an answer for myself. I know I don’t sound logical. But motherhood has no room for logic most of the time. And so, here I go.
(Disclaimer: Heed at your own risk. I do not take responsibility for any mishaps or worsening of your already terrible situation.)
HOW TO STAY SANE WHEN YOUR KIDS ARE DRIVING YOU INSANE
1. STOCK UP ON CHOCOLATES, CHIPS & GUMMIES
This works like a charm all the time. Plod the kids on the sofa & dump a whole bucket of the abovementioned sweet treats on them. The best way to keep them quiet is to stuff their mouths with so much food that they can’t talk or quarrel. Of course, this is absolutely unhealthy, so you don’t want to do this too often. Use it like a last resort. And be prepared to clean up the mess at the end of it. Somewhere along the line, the kids may decide that smudging the chocolate on each others’ faces is more fun than actually eating them. Important note: Do not attempt this on sofa with un-washable fabric.
2. HAVE A BUBBLE BATH PARTY
A pretty good solution if you ask me. You get fresh-smelling kids + some me-time while the kids are having a great time in the bathroom. Just put in different kinds of water play toys and buckets, and you probably have some decent 15-30 minutes to sip your coffee. If the weather is cool, you might want to let your kids wear their swimming suits lest they catch a cold. Good to make sure your bathroom flooring has enough friction to avoid any falling-down incidents. Best part about this solution is cleaning is easy and simple. Just hose it down!
3. DO A MOVIE EXTRAVAGANZA
Pardon me for the very exaggerating name. My kids get goo goo ga ga over bimbotic names like that. Basically, it just means playing a DVD and letting the kids indulge in some movie & popcorn time. Psycho the kids to think that it’s the best programme ever. If this works, you get 2 hours to do whatever you want. Sounds pretty awesome, if you ask me. In reality though, the kids probably won’t sit through the entire two hours. You should thank your lucky stars if you get an hour of peace. It can work better if you sit and watch together with your kids though. You don’t necessarily have to ‘watch’ it. Just do the occasional nodding of head when your kids make a comment on the movie, and go ‘ya, isn’t it true, princess?’ and you’re quite safe.
4. DO AN EXILE EXPEDITION TO THE PLAYGROUND
The playground always works, if you ask me. And an indoor one is even better. The only con is that you’d likely have to fork out some moola for any indoor playground, but it’s well worth it. You basically confine the kids in a place which they think is like heaven, and you have little fear that they’ll go missing. You only need to pray and hope that the kids don’t drag you in to run together with them, because that could be potentially life-threatening for old people like us. If they’re happy playing by themselves, you can have a great time drinking coffee, reading a magazine and surfing the Internet, which is just beautiful. Choose to go to a place like Polliwogs, and coffee & tea is even on the house. Perfecto.
5. PLAY THE ‘SEE WHO CAN KEEP QUIET LONGER’ GAME
It’s a shame that I can only share this with you, but it no longer works with my kids. It worked for the first few times, quite frankly, but then the kids very quickly realised it was just another of Mummy’s lame ploy. Needless to say, every time I attempt to play that game now, the two kiddos would roll their eyes at me, and suggest to play another game instead, called ‘SEE WHO CAN MAKE THE LOUDEST NOISE’ game. Kids=1, Mummy=0.
See? I started with nothing at all, and I ended up with 5 good points. Kudos to myself!
When all else fails, just hide under the dining table.
